This Week’s Horrorscope (24/09/2014)

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) As you are the Chief Minister of West Bengal, this week will be most inauspicious. You will wake up each day wondering why you signed up for a job that you had no qualifications for. At 14:38 pm on Wednesday you will feel as helpless as a goat attempting to use a corkscrew. The BJP have already been flying around you like vultures; add to that the taxi strikes, Saradha investigation and now the Jadavpur University debacle. You recall how you were manhandled as a student and how you harped on about this incident till you got elected. Now when you see your administration doing the same, you wonder if one of these students is going to become Chief Minister someday.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) At 8:47 am on Thursday as you pack your belongings to move from your ancestral home to the new flat in Rajarhat, you will find a box belonging to your late father. In it you will find some of the filthiest porn magazines this side of the Indian Ocean. It turns out your father was an avid reader of Playboy, Debonair and Stardust. You will weep and shriek at this discovery because you thought your father was a decent man and not the kind of pervert who reads Stardust.


Aries (March 21 – April 20) If she really loves you like she says then why doesn’t she pick up your calls? Before I answer your question let me inform you that there are 43 puppies born every minute across the world. That’s a lot of cute puppies. How can you be sad when there are so many puppies? Now, back to your question, the reason she isn’t taking your calls is because she saw Blue Is the Warmest Color and decided that she’s a lesbian. She has been fooling around with her office colleague (Damyanti, if you must know) for weeks. They go to Quest mall together and share pizzas and popcorn. She doesn’t miss you at all. I know you feel dejected in light of this new information but remember what I said? PUPPIES!!!


Taurus (April 21 – May 20) You have always thought that your friends are the nicest people in the world because they are your friends. This initial assessment will change when you go drinking with them on Wednesday night. When the Muslim waiter leaves after taking your order, your friend Vikram will say something so racist that it will make your blood boil. Then your friend Arjun will say that Vikram is right because Bangladeshis and so on and blah blah blah. You will get up and leave when they start talking about Love Jihad. You are better off without them. As your astrologer I can tell you that Vikram is going to get fired in December and Arjun will get a heart attack in October after his fourteenth rosogolla (the ambulance driver will be Bangladeshi).


Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This Wednesday is a special day because it marks the fact that it’s been 11 years since you last entered a gym. You celebrate this anniversary like you have been doing for the last eleven years, by playing video-games and ordering Dominos. Every New Year’s Eve you make a resolution to get healthy but every January 2nd you forget about it because all the cupcakes you eat are slowly giving you amnesia.


Cancer (June 21 – July 20) On Saturday afternoon you will engage in a Facebook debate with one Hirak Guha about student politics in Bengal. You will try to explain to him that the police were wrong in resorting to violence. He will comment that the students are all Maoists and that you are a BJP supporter. This debate will go on for a further 25 minutes until you realize that Hirak is a massive cockhead who thinks working at a call-centre gives him celestial knowledge of all things on Earth. Instead of arguing any further, you should unfriend him and move on. Hirak, if you’re reading this, you should know that women don’t like your serial-killer moustache and that you are going to die alone. You cockhead.


Leo (July 21 – August 20) On Monday night at 23:34 pm you will tell your best friend that you suspect your boyfriend is cheating on you. She will console you and say things like ‘there, there’ and ‘all men are assholes!’ You will thank God that you have such understanding friends because you are a gullible idiot. Seriously, look through her phone and you’ll find that your friend has been sexting your boyfriend for the last five months. You’re welcome.


Virgo (August 21 – September 20) With Durga Puja around the corner, your blood pressure keeps rising at the sight of each unfinished pandal. You will bitch and complain and whine now about the traffic and public infrastructure and load-sheddings but when the pandals are ready you will go to them and dance to crass songs because you are a hypocritical agnostic idiot.


Libra (September 21 – October 20) On Tuesday evening you will watch Richard Linklater’s latest movie ‘Boyhood’ and wonder if your childhood was interesting enough to be filmed for 11 years. It wasn’t. All you ever did was play Ludo and Carrom and visit desibaba.com. The only change in your life is that now when you masturbate, the modem doesn’t make loud screeches that could alert your father. Why were those dial-up modems so fucking loud?! (you remember the day when wi-fi was launched and how you went to Kalighat to feed eight beggars).


Scorpio (October 21 – November 20) Your life as a Times Now news anchor is making you suicidal. You are tired of waking up every day at 4 am just to read and then read out the most horrific news on the planet. Gaza. ISIS. Philippines earthquake. Ukraine. Sunny Leone. Syria. Ferguson. Sunny Leone. Pakistan. Poonam Pandey. MH 370. Sunny Leone. MH 17. Sunny Leone. Your teleprompter is like a window into Satan’s anus. Every night as you cry yourself to sleep you ask ‘WHY IS SUNNY LEONE NEWS? IS THIS WHY I STUDIED JOURNALISM?!!!’ You think it will get better with time but, trust me, it won’t.


Sagittarius (November 21 – December 20) At 18:42 pm on Friday you will ask your mirror: ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?’ And your mirror will reply: ‘Shahrukh Khan. Duh.’


Capricorn (December 21 – January 19) The haircut you get on Sunday is going to be so calamitous that it will make people stop and take photographs of you. You are on the verge of becoming an internet meme.

Abhishek Sikhwal runs a furniture company (www.resetto.com) and fucking hates newspapers that carry horoscope readings.

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