How To Protest Like A Bhadralok or The Ruling Party’s Guide To Student Protests

That’s right, students. If you thought you were free to protest as you wish then you were dead wrong. There are some things you can do and some things you can’t, and don’t you go around asking why. You’re still young. So listen up. Here are some tips to turn your filthy, deplorable leftist propaganda scream-fest into a real protest that is approved by the Ruling Party, who are, of course, your lords and masters (hopefully forever):


Don’t be vocal about institutional oppression. It’s not up to the students to have a say in how the university runs itself, just like it’s not up to the farmers to have a say in how the country runs itself. Leave it to us. We know what’s good for you. Silly.


Deal with your own problems and just stop whining all the damn time. We’ve got the middle class to rip off, peasants to beat!


Don’t be rude to the target of your protest. They are probably richer and more important than you so shut up as soon as possible.


Don’t step outside gender roles. It makes us feel threatened.


 DECENCY IS PROTOCOL. Protests are not the right place for everyone. For example, if you’re a girl GO HOME. GO HOME RIGHT NOW.  I AM NOT KIDDING JUST STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE RIGHTS. OK? GO HOME.


卐 If you’re a performance artist, please remember that we are bigoted and do not understand performance art (or any art, for that matter) very well, so we will probably just snap a picture of you looking ridiculous and use it for shock value among the masses. After all, my morals are waaaay better than your morals.


卐 If you are a girl and you do not go home but instead have the audacity to express your freedom as a human being by smoking a cigarette with your male counterparts, or wearing whatever the hell you want, or (god help you) holding hands with someone, WE WILL DESTROY YOU. WITH OUR EYES. AND THE GAZE OF THE MEDIA. 


Don’t use graffiti on the walls. Don’t draw anything. Don’t write mean messages to us. In fact, just stop using your creativity entirely. That’ll save us a lot of trouble. Besides, vandalism is not art. It’s not like what you’re drawing actually means anything.  


Don’t be loud with your sloganeering. It is important for you to remain somewhat voiceless. (Some things you say really hurts our feelings.)


Don’t have an individual political identity. If you do we will beat you for being a maoist.


Don’t think you can occupy whatever place you want. There are rules. Ask us and we will tell you what you may occupy, but ONLY IF you ask nicely. And bow. We like it when people bow.


When my police hit you, you take it like a good student. Don’t go around trying to complain. No VC’s going to be there to help you. In case you hadn’t noticed, she bows to me, not you.


卐 Practice bowing.




Cops are our friends. They are like flowers and rainbows.


Remember that you are all dirty smelly obnoxious leftist scum.


Finally, just don’t protest. Finish your studies. That’s what’s important. Protesting is anti-social. Now what do you want to be when you grow up? Dead? Or a doctor?


For the slow-brained, this is sarcasm.

In solidarity with all student protests, particularly in India.
Always remember that the state should be respecting you, and not the other way around.




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